Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Santa

• He recently starred in film called The Full Santy.
• Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?"
• Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach.
• Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe.
• Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow.
• When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap-ass bastards."
• He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho."
• Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf.
• His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face.
• Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?"